Anxiety and Disappointments.

Hmmm... life's challenges. Sometimes when it comes, it comes pouring down on you, doesn't it?

Being a mom is really wonderful. However there are times when you question yourself and your actions. Sometimes you even question if you're worthy of being a mom.. well.. maybe you don't.. but i know i do. *Sigh*

It had been two weeks now since i sent my lil boy to daycare. Not fully two weeks. Nine days to be exact. And for all those nine days, he cried and cried and cried some more. Sometimes it could be a tearless cry, but then, who knows? He comes back with a cracked voice, from calling out for mommy & daddy the whole day and this week, he even cried getting into the car in the morning to go to school. As a mother, my heart breaks looking at him being so unhappy like that. As much as i try to keep a straight face and a "dry heart" (read:hati kering), it hurts me so deeply that i question our decision to start sending him to daycare. And this weekend it's even worse because he's clinging on to me all the time and refuses to sleep/nap and cries a whole lot.

We need him to go to daycare. He needs to learn to socialise with other children and the teachers. But does he? At what expense? I can't help but to worry if this move (starting daycare) is going to scar him for life! 

We also need him to start daycare because i'm going back to work soon. That kept me thinking too that maybe all of this wouldn't have happened if i didn't take a 2-year leave. If i had just sent him to daycare when he was a baby, the transition might have been easier, like his sister. Then, as i scroll down some of the posts on Facebook, i question if i should be working in the first place. I'm basically working for myself. For back-up, should anything happen to hubby. We could still afford to get by if i don't work. Sometimes i ask myself if i'm being selfish to work instead of being a full-time mom which is supposed to be my responsibility? *Sighs again*

Comes to a point where i really don't know what to do. I leave it to the Almighty as He is the only one who knows what's best for me and my family. For now, i'll just sleep and cry it off, as and when the need arises.