End of hectic week.. Phew!~

Alhamdulillah, selesai mesy jk kabinet harini. Last two days, FTA negotiations. Letih. Letih menjalankan kerja-kerja tersebut, dan letih nak prepare. Letih stress dan kelam kabut. Dan finally, they're in the past now.

Semalam, lepas nego, bawak Sarah jumpa paed. She'd been having fever since Saturday. Since tak kebah-kebah, bawak la jumpa paed dia. Rupanya tonsil dia inflammed. So kena la makan antibiotik. InsyaAllah, hope she'll be fine in a day or two.

Semalam jugak, i managed to squeeze in my gynae appointment. My third pregnancy aptmt at 11+ weeks. Alhamdulillah, semuanya ok. Dr did a scan. At first the baby just sat still. So i said to the Doc, "Kenapa senyap je baby ni, last time beriya2 gerak.." As soon as i said that dia pun melompat-lompat. Hehe. *Happy* Sarah pun excited tengok scanned image of adik dia. Of course, we don't know if it's a girl or a boy yet.

Esok, nak balik rumah mama. Going to stay away from KL as much as i can this weekend. Penangan Bersih yang menyusahkan orang. It's sad to see how people can get so stupid. :p

Whateverlah. Nak gi solat.. and out for dinner. Penatnyaa.. Sigh!~ Takpelah.. all for a good cause.

The dark clouds are looming...

*Long sigh*

The work place is the best place to proof to you that life really is like huge spinning wheel. One day you're on top, another day, you're down under. I had my 'up' days for a while, now, i can feel myself going rock bottom.. Ok.. maybe i'm exaggerating, but seriously, i'm not happy.

My boss, lets call him DMT, is current away on a month-long course. As our division is the dasar division (yes, it can either be read as policy or rock bottom.. your choice.. :p ) the Sec Gen feels that there's a need for someone to head the div while DMT is away.

DMT is certainly not in my sec-gen's good books. Somehow, he managed to get to where he is right now. I've only been working for him for less than a month before he had to leave for the course, but i've heard about him from other colleagues. Not a lot of positive remarks, but based on my own experience for that short span of period, i think he's ok. He doesn't really disturb me on weekends and doesn't expect to stay in the office til the wee hours.. that's good enough for me. What he lacks i think is giving proper directions to his officers, and being the head of the policy division (or which ever division for that matter).. the ability to give an aim to your subordinates is crucial.

Anyways, one of my Sec-Gen's trusted people to head the division whilst DMT is gone is no other than my previous boss, who had given me a lot of stresses and rock bottom times, DS. Although she's not physically there in our division, it's really getting to me already. I just can't stand it. I think i've exhausted all my patience and sanity to bear with her. If i have to do it all over again, i'm gonna lose it. Seriously. In what way, i don't know, but what i'm certain of is that i'm not gonna be able to bear with her, ever.

Given the level of trustworthiness that the Sec Gen has upon her, we've heard rumors that her placement is gonna be permanent, instead of just for the period that DMT is away. Probably it's not gonna be right after DMT comes back, since the Ministry can't really swap their places because of some technical issues, but i could foresee it coming later in the year. I do hope that she heads the other operational division instead of doing policy, but, i have a hunch that the more possible placement for her is the policy division. And if that happens, i'm really gonna make my way out. Not just the division, the Ministry!

I have to bear until January though. Then i'll have a 3 months maternity leave, and i intend to prolong the leave to a year. Hopefully, after that i'll be in the pool for a while and i hope that i wouldn't be placed under that freaking Ministry again!

I'm just so traumatized by my previous experience. I guess the experience had hit me harder than i thought it did. And i just can't go through it again..

Please Ya Allah, let there be light..

Tired!

I read somewhere that second time pregnancy makes you experience worse morning sicknesses, and worse lethargy. Ye ke? God knows... But i sure am really, really tired every day! Especially lepas balik kerja. Rasa tak larat sangat. Of course, the very hot weather ain't helping either la kan? Adehhh... campur dengan vomiting series yang jugak jauh lebih teruk dari dulu, I'm just sooo tired.

My tummy's beginning to show too. I also read somewhere that second time pregnancy bellies show sooner. Ye ke? I don't know. I know that my tummy's bigger now. What i'm not so sure is, whether it's because of the foetus or it's because of my layers of fat? Most probably, a little bit of both, with the latter being the major contributor. Heh.

My dotter's really excited about the pregnancy. Dia dok suppose that the baby's gonna be a girl. Me? Entah.. before i got pregnant, i really wanted a girl. Sekarangm tak berapa kisah sangat. It's good to have a boy, since belah Dan tak ada lagi cucu lelaki, and i don't think i'm gonna get pregnant again after this one... kinda getting too old for another one. On the other hand, kalau girl ni, syok la shopping baju! Hehe...

Divert sikit. Haritu.. Dan nak pergi kerja. So my daughter was complaining about his job and why he always had to work and such. So Dan had to explain la kan. Last-last dia fed up, dia cakap.. "Why don't you just be absent Dad?" hehe.. Ceh.. kecik2 dah pandai suruh orang ponteng ye...

Pagi tadi bawak dia jumpa paed dia. She had some sort of eye infection, tak berani bawak gi sekolah, takut jangkit pulak kan? So she told her paed what was wrong with her. Dia kata, "Yesterday, i used a shampoo and it got into my eye".. Haih. Konfius jap Dr. Hehe... Dah lepas cerita segala macam, Daddy dia saja nak usik.. Dia tanya, "Do you want to eat medicine or durian?" Terus dia jawab tanpa berfikir panjang - Medicine. Heh... Lagi sanggup dia makan ubat? Iskk... DIa tak tau lagi penangan durian... Takpelah.. taknak sudah...

Oklah.. sebenarnya nak pi solat.. tapi rasa penat sangat. Sekarang kena gi jugak2.. sebab mata dah makin berat. Ok.. take care dearies.

Miserable

Nights are sooo miserable nowadays. Period.

Regardless of anything, nights are plain miserable for me. My morning sickness attacks at night. It starts mid day, and all the way to the night.

Last pregnancy, i had night sickness as well, but not as bad. This time around, I'm like really, really sick.

Malam ni especially. Dari siang tadi. Maybe ada yang tak kena dengan what i had for lunch. Breakfast was fine, lunch i had egg.. i think that kinda triggered my nausea. Dan seterusnya lah sampai ke malam. Siang tadi konon2 pesan kat MIL minta tolong carikan mee bandung for dinner. Makan memang best. Elok habis je, stoned kejap, pastu had to excuse myself to the toilet and regurgitated what i had eaten. Sigh!. Letih!

Harini pulak, maid tak datang. Huhu. Galak basuh baju, gosok baju, lipat baju. Penatnya! Huhu...

Pulak tu, lampu bilik air tak hidup pulak! Apasal tak tau. Dah lah encik handyman takde kat rumah. BErtemankan cahaya lilin je la ke toilet malam n nak mandi gi keje pagi esok. Huhu... Tak sukaaaa.... Cepatlah en. hasben balik.. Huhuhu....

Tengok emel, teringat keje plak. Haiyoooo... banyaknya tak setel dan nak kena setel!! Serabut!!!!!

Oh..keserabutan ini membuatkan tekak makin loya. Urghh...

Okla.. nak pasang lilin utk ke toilet dan menghadap toilet bowl... Good night.

Two Lines, and it's Official!!

Alhamdulillah, i did the home pregnancy test, and it returned two lines! :)

Mula-mula, one very faint line je. A few days after that, re-checked, dan dua line merah menyerlah dan sangat ketara.. which means, i'm finally pregnant! Yeay! I tested almost 2 weeks ago kalau tak silap.

Last week, went to see the gynae to confirm the pregnancy. He did a scan, and we could see the sac, about 1.2 cm kalau tak silap, about 5 weeks into pregnancy.

Menyifatkan pregnancy kali ni macam pregnancy lepas, i went around doing things the way i did before i got pregnant, tak ada la makan benda2 tajam ke apa, in terms of movement, takde la berhati-hati. Jalan lajuuu je macam lipas kudung. Pulak tu, asyik berjalan je (which can't really be helped sebab the new office in satellite block, kalau kena pergi meeting, jumpa top mgt kat main block, haruslah jalan jauh..)..

So wrong!! Pregnancy kali ni menyebabkan aku experience a far worse morning (evening, in my case) sickness than before. Pantang masuk food, mesti rasa nak keluar balik. Tengok daging ke ayam ke, kembang2 tekak... huh... So agak letih this time around.

Last Friday (my birthday) i had to do an emceeing job at PWTC, after that hubby took me out the whole day to celebrate my birthday. Sabtu rest tak keluar rumah, since hubby kena gi keje. Sunday, out and about again, fetching the maid, sent my daughter for piano lesson, jalan2 after piano lesson.... Akibatnya, on Monday, i noticed some spotting. Gila gelabah! I've never had any spotting whatsoever during my first pregnancy!

So, after work, i went to see a GP (since my gynae clinic's already closed). GP did a scan but he couldn't say much and advised me to go see the gynae. I did yesterday, and Alhamdulillah, the sac is still in tact and we could see the heart beat! :) Apapun, the Doc asked me to rest, and limit my walking, so he gave me a three day medical leave. He also prescribed me with a medication to help sustain the pregnancy.

However, since i was supposed to attend this discussion on a new law starting yesterday til tmrw kat Seremban, i went anyway coz i thot it was away from the office, we'll just be discussing and insyaAllah, not much walking and things will be fine. Unfortunately, discussion room and restrooms were so far apart, i had to walk a lot as well... and more unfortunate, i started bleeding again in the afternoon.

So, freaked out as i was, malam after the last session i excused myself and explained to everyone my condition and made my move back to my mom's. Nasib baik balik rumah mama je, tak jauh sangat. I will be spending my mc days here la nampaknya. Senang sikit, tak ada la turun naik tangga sangat macam kalau kat rumah. Ada orang tolong jaga anak aku and allow me to get well rested. So hoping that i won't bleed anymore dan this pregnancy will survive.

Friends, if you have had any experience with bleeding during pregnancy, share la ye. I need inputs on this.

Tuhan, Beri Aku Kekuatan

Sigh!~ Starting a post with a sigh sure is not a good sign huh?

Anyways...

Semalam lapor diri di Bhg Baru. Policy division. Dengar nama pun dah tau kerja di situ berat. Tu lah. Agaknya, God wants to show me, banyak sangat komplen tentang bhg org lain. Padan muka. :p

I reported duty at about 11.30 a.m. as i had to attend a meeting earlier in the day. After that, i resumed packing my stuffs from my old room, and by 4.30 pm i was ready to move. Nasib baik jugak same floor. Selesai berpindah randah haritu juga.

5.30pm - first meeting as policy officer. Ended at 7.00pm... Can you imagine?? I'd just reported duty for God's sakes!

Today, one task after another. Pagi siapkan a few papers, lunch hour short meeting, petang discussion and preparing for a cabinet level meeting. Pukul 7.30pm baru gerak dari office. Mujur DH tak ada kat rumah. Sigh!~

Kalau first two days of work dah macam ni, imagine hari-hari mendatang? Budak2 kat division tu rata2 balik lepas Maghrib, or lepas Isyak. Including mak-mak orang. I can't (won't) do that! Kalau that is what is expected of me, then sorrylah. I cannot oblige. Walaupun macam tu, the pressure would still be on me dan orang macam aku yang reti jalan lurus je, tak pandai nak belok2. Kena pulak boss yang won't stand up for his officers (aku dengar dari orang lain yang pernah kerja dengan dia). Blame officers dia lagi ada. Aduyai..nasib.

Tapi, semalam macam kemuncak stress. It's probably that time of the month as well, so it really didn't help. I was practically sobbing all the way home, sambil memandu. Macam drama swasta pun ada. I guess it's probably my monthly crying episodes. It would be nice to have someone to share the load with. Tak kongsi beban masalah pun tak apa, kalau sudi dengar dah cukup. Unfortunately, banyak orang di sekeliling aku yang suka cerita tentang diri mereka, jadi, walaupun aku cerita pasal aku, tetiba, the story line akan bertukar menjadi tentang mereka. Jadi, akhirnya, aku akan diam. Apa lagi aku boleh buat??

I foresee that the stresses that i faced from the previous, previous (direct translation?) division will haunt me back. Aku tak tau kalau aku ada lagi kekuatan pada diri aku untuk hadapi. Aku rasa, yang paling berat, bukanlah kerja, tapi berat kalau aku tak dapat sokongan / restu dari orang yang aku sayang. Bukan aku mintak supaya biarkan aku kerja sampai larut malam dan abaikan tanggungjawab aku sebagai seorang isteri dan mak... Tapi, aku cuma mohon kalau dia boleh cuba untuk faham dan terima, kerja ini di tempat sekarang, bukan aku yang minta. Apalah daya aku untuk melawan arahan-arahan orang atas. Aku dah cuba cari jalan keluar, dah jumpa JPA minta keluar Kementerian, minta keluar dari bahagian dulu yang juga sangat stressful, but i ended up in another ugly place. Tolonglah faham, at least that. Mungkin ini yang tersurat untuk aku. Aku pun tak mintak berkerja dengan sebuah organisasi yang tak efisien sampai perlukan kakitangan berkerja sampai malam, macam orang tak ada keluarga. Aku akan cegah balik lewat / kerja luar setakat mana yang aku mampu, tapi kalau sekali sekala aku tak mampu tangani perkara tu, tolonglah jangan bagi aku reaksi negatif. I've tried, but if still happens, i guess it's my fate. I'm powerless to change that. And as if that's not bad enough, i'm also not getting the support that i need from someone whom i needed most.

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku tak berdaya melawan takdirMu. Berikanlah aku dan keluargaku kekuatan untuk menghadapi hari-hari yang penuh cabaran ini. Sesungguhnya, kau tidak akan menguji hambamu dengan bebanan yang tidak mampu dipikul olehnya. Amin!~

Pindah... lagi!

Hati ini serabut!

Last wednesday, an officer from HR came to my room to introduce 2 new officers. At the same time, he handed me my transfer order. I was to be transferred to policy division. Yikes!

Honestly, i don't know what to expect. I heard about the boss there. Not too good. I've forgotten how i handled my busier days and still ensured that i got back on time back then. I guess i'm still traumatized by the last experience.

Peliknya, aku baru enam bulan je dalam bahagian ni, now, pindah lagi. Talk about planning and forward thinking, huh?

Anyways, next monday lapor diri. I heard the boss there have a good impression on me. Bagusnya, dia percaya la sikit, even before i start working with him. Tak bagusnya, i'll be on his radar... which i don't favour. I don't really wanna be in anybody's radar for that matter. Dannnn.... bermakna the expectation of me is high. Mati...

Isk.. kena mula bersosialisasi dengan rakan kerja baru pula. It's tiring you know. Sigh!~ What to do...? SYMP...

Tomorrow, going to my junior from school son's birthday party. Her son's turning two. I look forward to meeting her and her son, but deep inside i'm feeling a little insecure. The familiar old feeling that i had when i was in school. Feeling short, inadequate. I know i have achieved a lot, but sometimes i can't help but to feel that all the other people from school had achieved a lot more. Sigh!~ Pengalaman masa remaja sangat terkesan di hati. Semoga anakku tak lalu benda yang tak berapa best yang aku lalu. Aku doakan Allah beri yang terbaik untuk dia, dunia dan akhirat.

Oh.. know what.. Tadi aku keluar makan malam dengan Sarah, since hubs is on detachment. Teringin makan friend chicken. Jadi, pergilah ke restoran makanan segera di sebuah hypermarket dekat2 sini. Masa nak parking, i saw a spot, and i was ready to reverse in. Dah masuk gera reverse and reversed a little, tetiba ada pulak mangkuk bangla mana datang tolak trolly behind my car. And i was pissed a little. Dah tau kereta bergerak, ko nak jugak jalan belakang kereta kan? Kalau aku langgar, marah. :p

Anyhoos, bila mangkuk tu blah, aku reverse la lagi. Tiba-tiba datang seorang be-atch dari the other side baik punya masuk. Parking tu pakai line2 putih atas jalan je, tak ada divider. Yang 2 parking berhadapan satu sama lain tu, so dia datang from the other side, terus cucuk sampai so that the nose of the car menghadap jalan besar. Aku hangin la. Aku reverse kereta bagi dekat dengan kereta dia, jegil kat dia, dia buat dekkk je. Tak nak gerak ke belakang. Takpe, aku cari parking lain. Tapi hati geram. Alhamdulillah, aku dapat parking yang lagi dekat, tapi tak jauh dari parking bay yang kena rompak tadi. Hati aku memang bara masa tu. Rasa nak menggigil. Tuhan nak tunjuk, masa aku nak masuk, minah bongok tu pun nak masuk gak.

Sebelum masuk pintu, ada bangla worker ni sukahati je campak sampah ke luar, memang la dia aim tong sampah, tapi tak masuk dia buat selamba. Aku kan hati dah panas, apa lagi, kena sound la mangkuk tu. Aku tinggi suara (dalam takut gak sikit2), suruh dia buang sampah elok2. Tak sangka pulak dia keluar balik kutip. Hehe. Aku ingat dia akan buat dek je.

Berbalik kepada minah tadi, as soon as aku ckp kat mamat bangla, dia jalan belakang aku. Terus aku pusing kat dia, sergah, "Didn't you see i was reversing to park there?" Muka memang muka hangin la. Dia terkejut la kot, tak sangka la orang nak sergah dia macam tu. Dia kata sorry, i didn't notice. Hangguk dia la tak notice. Geram aku. Aku blah, sebelum tu aku sempat gak cakap.. How inconsiderate can one be? Tapi dah kurang marah la masa tu (sikit) sebab she said sorry, and she's pregnant. Apapun, pregnant or not, you shouldn't be selfish and inconsiderate. Aku pun pernah preggie, jangan la ingat ko preggie you think the world revolves around you.

Tetiba macam aku teringat. Biasanya aku takkan confront orang macam tu. Seingat aku, last aku confront orang masa aku tengah marah adalah masa aku preknen.. Adakah?? hehehe. saja. Tiap2 bulan adakah...? Cheiit..! Takpe.. bulan ni i tak berharap sangat macam bulan lepas. Tak kisah la. I akan terus berusaha. :)

Ok..cukupla. Ingat nak pakai masker sambil layan ADITH mlm ni. Dah pukul 11 pun.. den pun dah ngantuk. Solat, apstu tido yo la...

Alrite, g'nite. Wish me luck for tmrw!