Baby Talk
I’m now six month married, going into my seventh now. I think for couples who’d been married half a year, they’d want to plan on having a baby in the family. Does it make me a weirdo if I said that I’m not ready for baby yet? I dunno. I think I’m not ready; emotionally, mentally… and my gynae said physically too.. coz he said that I oughtta shed some pounds to ensure a safe pregnancy.

That aside, I’ve just recently discovered how freaked out I was about the idea of having a baby. When my period was late, I went beserk. I had so many things in my mind; fear, worries… none of it excitement. I felt giddy with all the worrying. I broke down… and that’s only when I assumed that I was pregnant.. I wasn’t actually pregnant yet.

I mean.. it’s not that I don’t want a baby at all… I do… but not just yet. I worry that I won’t be able to care for the baby, given the condition that I’m in now, with the DPA and all, I’m barely at home. The house is in a mess, I’m in a mess. I can’t even take care of myself.. needless to mention a baby. So far, I can only tolerate kids to a certain point.. and that’s just spending a few hours with them. If I was having my PMS, I’ll lose it. It happened before, with Athirah. It’s fun to spend some time with them, but I don’t know if I’m capable of handling a human child 24-7. A baby needs constant attention. You need to feed them, change their diapers, burp them… the list goes on and on… I don’t think I’m capable of that yet. I mean… I can’t even care for a pathetic cactus plant for God’s sake… and now a human baby? And this baby doesn’t stay being a baby the whole time. Babies grow up. They have a future ahead of them… If I fuck up in bringing up my baby… I’m fucking up his/her future. Another human being’s future…. Imagine that.

I dunno. Maybe I’m just thinking too much. It’s either the thinking that made me freaked out or the other way round. Whatever it is, as I sat down just now,reading a book on prophets, I came to a realization that babies are gifts from God. Hubby had been telling me that when I broke down but it just wouldn’t sink in. When the time comes for us to be ready to care for a baby, He will send us that gift. Sesungguhnya Allah jua yang maha mengetahui. I just have to keep reminding myself that when I get freaked out again. :)