Tuhan, Beri Aku Kekuatan

Sigh!~ Starting a post with a sigh sure is not a good sign huh?

Anyways...

Semalam lapor diri di Bhg Baru. Policy division. Dengar nama pun dah tau kerja di situ berat. Tu lah. Agaknya, God wants to show me, banyak sangat komplen tentang bhg org lain. Padan muka. :p

I reported duty at about 11.30 a.m. as i had to attend a meeting earlier in the day. After that, i resumed packing my stuffs from my old room, and by 4.30 pm i was ready to move. Nasib baik jugak same floor. Selesai berpindah randah haritu juga.

5.30pm - first meeting as policy officer. Ended at 7.00pm... Can you imagine?? I'd just reported duty for God's sakes!

Today, one task after another. Pagi siapkan a few papers, lunch hour short meeting, petang discussion and preparing for a cabinet level meeting. Pukul 7.30pm baru gerak dari office. Mujur DH tak ada kat rumah. Sigh!~

Kalau first two days of work dah macam ni, imagine hari-hari mendatang? Budak2 kat division tu rata2 balik lepas Maghrib, or lepas Isyak. Including mak-mak orang. I can't (won't) do that! Kalau that is what is expected of me, then sorrylah. I cannot oblige. Walaupun macam tu, the pressure would still be on me dan orang macam aku yang reti jalan lurus je, tak pandai nak belok2. Kena pulak boss yang won't stand up for his officers (aku dengar dari orang lain yang pernah kerja dengan dia). Blame officers dia lagi ada. Aduyai..nasib.

Tapi, semalam macam kemuncak stress. It's probably that time of the month as well, so it really didn't help. I was practically sobbing all the way home, sambil memandu. Macam drama swasta pun ada. I guess it's probably my monthly crying episodes. It would be nice to have someone to share the load with. Tak kongsi beban masalah pun tak apa, kalau sudi dengar dah cukup. Unfortunately, banyak orang di sekeliling aku yang suka cerita tentang diri mereka, jadi, walaupun aku cerita pasal aku, tetiba, the story line akan bertukar menjadi tentang mereka. Jadi, akhirnya, aku akan diam. Apa lagi aku boleh buat??

I foresee that the stresses that i faced from the previous, previous (direct translation?) division will haunt me back. Aku tak tau kalau aku ada lagi kekuatan pada diri aku untuk hadapi. Aku rasa, yang paling berat, bukanlah kerja, tapi berat kalau aku tak dapat sokongan / restu dari orang yang aku sayang. Bukan aku mintak supaya biarkan aku kerja sampai larut malam dan abaikan tanggungjawab aku sebagai seorang isteri dan mak... Tapi, aku cuma mohon kalau dia boleh cuba untuk faham dan terima, kerja ini di tempat sekarang, bukan aku yang minta. Apalah daya aku untuk melawan arahan-arahan orang atas. Aku dah cuba cari jalan keluar, dah jumpa JPA minta keluar Kementerian, minta keluar dari bahagian dulu yang juga sangat stressful, but i ended up in another ugly place. Tolonglah faham, at least that. Mungkin ini yang tersurat untuk aku. Aku pun tak mintak berkerja dengan sebuah organisasi yang tak efisien sampai perlukan kakitangan berkerja sampai malam, macam orang tak ada keluarga. Aku akan cegah balik lewat / kerja luar setakat mana yang aku mampu, tapi kalau sekali sekala aku tak mampu tangani perkara tu, tolonglah jangan bagi aku reaksi negatif. I've tried, but if still happens, i guess it's my fate. I'm powerless to change that. And as if that's not bad enough, i'm also not getting the support that i need from someone whom i needed most.

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku tak berdaya melawan takdirMu. Berikanlah aku dan keluargaku kekuatan untuk menghadapi hari-hari yang penuh cabaran ini. Sesungguhnya, kau tidak akan menguji hambamu dengan bebanan yang tidak mampu dipikul olehnya. Amin!~

Pindah... lagi!

Hati ini serabut!

Last wednesday, an officer from HR came to my room to introduce 2 new officers. At the same time, he handed me my transfer order. I was to be transferred to policy division. Yikes!

Honestly, i don't know what to expect. I heard about the boss there. Not too good. I've forgotten how i handled my busier days and still ensured that i got back on time back then. I guess i'm still traumatized by the last experience.

Peliknya, aku baru enam bulan je dalam bahagian ni, now, pindah lagi. Talk about planning and forward thinking, huh?

Anyways, next monday lapor diri. I heard the boss there have a good impression on me. Bagusnya, dia percaya la sikit, even before i start working with him. Tak bagusnya, i'll be on his radar... which i don't favour. I don't really wanna be in anybody's radar for that matter. Dannnn.... bermakna the expectation of me is high. Mati...

Isk.. kena mula bersosialisasi dengan rakan kerja baru pula. It's tiring you know. Sigh!~ What to do...? SYMP...

Tomorrow, going to my junior from school son's birthday party. Her son's turning two. I look forward to meeting her and her son, but deep inside i'm feeling a little insecure. The familiar old feeling that i had when i was in school. Feeling short, inadequate. I know i have achieved a lot, but sometimes i can't help but to feel that all the other people from school had achieved a lot more. Sigh!~ Pengalaman masa remaja sangat terkesan di hati. Semoga anakku tak lalu benda yang tak berapa best yang aku lalu. Aku doakan Allah beri yang terbaik untuk dia, dunia dan akhirat.

Oh.. know what.. Tadi aku keluar makan malam dengan Sarah, since hubs is on detachment. Teringin makan friend chicken. Jadi, pergilah ke restoran makanan segera di sebuah hypermarket dekat2 sini. Masa nak parking, i saw a spot, and i was ready to reverse in. Dah masuk gera reverse and reversed a little, tetiba ada pulak mangkuk bangla mana datang tolak trolly behind my car. And i was pissed a little. Dah tau kereta bergerak, ko nak jugak jalan belakang kereta kan? Kalau aku langgar, marah. :p

Anyhoos, bila mangkuk tu blah, aku reverse la lagi. Tiba-tiba datang seorang be-atch dari the other side baik punya masuk. Parking tu pakai line2 putih atas jalan je, tak ada divider. Yang 2 parking berhadapan satu sama lain tu, so dia datang from the other side, terus cucuk sampai so that the nose of the car menghadap jalan besar. Aku hangin la. Aku reverse kereta bagi dekat dengan kereta dia, jegil kat dia, dia buat dekkk je. Tak nak gerak ke belakang. Takpe, aku cari parking lain. Tapi hati geram. Alhamdulillah, aku dapat parking yang lagi dekat, tapi tak jauh dari parking bay yang kena rompak tadi. Hati aku memang bara masa tu. Rasa nak menggigil. Tuhan nak tunjuk, masa aku nak masuk, minah bongok tu pun nak masuk gak.

Sebelum masuk pintu, ada bangla worker ni sukahati je campak sampah ke luar, memang la dia aim tong sampah, tapi tak masuk dia buat selamba. Aku kan hati dah panas, apa lagi, kena sound la mangkuk tu. Aku tinggi suara (dalam takut gak sikit2), suruh dia buang sampah elok2. Tak sangka pulak dia keluar balik kutip. Hehe. Aku ingat dia akan buat dek je.

Berbalik kepada minah tadi, as soon as aku ckp kat mamat bangla, dia jalan belakang aku. Terus aku pusing kat dia, sergah, "Didn't you see i was reversing to park there?" Muka memang muka hangin la. Dia terkejut la kot, tak sangka la orang nak sergah dia macam tu. Dia kata sorry, i didn't notice. Hangguk dia la tak notice. Geram aku. Aku blah, sebelum tu aku sempat gak cakap.. How inconsiderate can one be? Tapi dah kurang marah la masa tu (sikit) sebab she said sorry, and she's pregnant. Apapun, pregnant or not, you shouldn't be selfish and inconsiderate. Aku pun pernah preggie, jangan la ingat ko preggie you think the world revolves around you.

Tetiba macam aku teringat. Biasanya aku takkan confront orang macam tu. Seingat aku, last aku confront orang masa aku tengah marah adalah masa aku preknen.. Adakah?? hehehe. saja. Tiap2 bulan adakah...? Cheiit..! Takpe.. bulan ni i tak berharap sangat macam bulan lepas. Tak kisah la. I akan terus berusaha. :)

Ok..cukupla. Ingat nak pakai masker sambil layan ADITH mlm ni. Dah pukul 11 pun.. den pun dah ngantuk. Solat, apstu tido yo la...

Alrite, g'nite. Wish me luck for tmrw!

Hello Boredom

I can't believe i'm complaining for having not much of things to do. Can you imagine?

Memang payah manusia ni. Bila banyak kerja, komplen, tak ada kerja, komplen jugak. Tak pernahnya yang puas hati, kan?

However, i'm glad that the job i'm doing right now doesn't take too much of my time with the family. Almost nada. The job is pretty much routine. So much so that i sometimes feel ineffective, useless if you may.

So, I'm gonna pursue what i had set out to do this year. I'm gonna apply for the HLP (Hadiah Latihan Persekutuan). It was supposed to open today, but apparently the opening date was postponed to next Monday. Was checking the QnA, and i saw that it needed for the IELTS/TOEFL results to be attached along with the application. Panic sekejap. I haven't sat for any of those. Then, towards the end.. baru notice, for applicants applying for overseas studies only. Owhh.. begitukah... I'm not going to apply to study overseas (although i'm very keen on the idea). Somehow, i can't see how to work things out if i pursue my studies abroad. Tak apa, dalam negara pun, ilmu juga. Yang penting, 2 years break!!!

Planning to study Economics initially, but since i don't have any basic on Econs, and was advised to not take Econs, i guess i'll stick to MBA, probably in finance or islamic financing in either UKM or UPM. I heard it's easier to obtain MBA in UPM. It's quite close to Putrajaya too, so, it's easy for me to ferry my kiddo to and from school. Hmm.. proposal belum buat lagi nih. Sigh.

Really hope to get the HLP for 2012. I need a break from this ministry. :p

By the way.. anyone knows what color is Barbie Pink??? Is there such a shade?

Why i'm asking?

Got invited for a colleague's daughter's birthday party tomorrow. And the theme color is Barbie pink.. Hmm.. maybe i misinterpreted. Maybe the theme is pink Barbie, and it doesn't only refer to the color? Dunno-lah. Will check with la princessa and Mr.Hubby if we can go tmrw. We're going for hub's birthday lunch with MIL & FIL tmrw, at one of our favourite makan place, the Coliseum. Oh.. i haven't been dieting since my brother's wedding reception, just so you know. And i feel fat and crappy! Urghhh...

Need my gym fix this Sunday, and hoping to return to my usual weekday sessions by next week. Then, my diet will probably return as well (i hope!!)

Can't wait for the maid to come. The house really need someone looking after it.

Kuciwaaa

Bergosip sudah...

Melalak sudah...

Jumpa kawan2 sudah...

Makan aiskrem Magnum sudah...

Makan carbs banyak sudah....

... tapi.. i masih keciwa sikit2..huhu...

Sudahla hati... let it go... All the more reason to try and try again and again! :)

(tak) Positif

Dah test... satu line je la.. Uhuk.. Tapi takpe.. i akan teruskan usaha.. :)

Kekeciwaan pagi ini telah dineutralkan oleh kisah yg baru kuar tibi dan online news portal. Tp, i dpt tau dr fesbuk, BBM dan sebagainya la kan. Tak sempat la tgk berita.. Asyik kena tengok Playhouse Disney jek...

Anyways, citer pasal sr officer sebuah kementerian yg ditangkap khalwat kat Penang. Dengar2nya dari kawan, orang tu mmg batch kitorg sangat familiar la. Kalau betul la dia orangnya, aku ingat dia sebagai seorang yang tak suka aku. Hehe. Itu pada pandangan aku la. Ntah apesal, tapi aku rasa macam tu. Tak kesahla kan.

Apa pun, setakat ni, dah 2 org officer yang terlibat dalam melatih kitorang dolu2 dan kantoi dengan perkara melibatkan tatatertib, yang menjadikan very important reminder kat aku yang kita ni akan diuji dengan benda yang kita cakap... Jadik... silalah beringat ye diri sendiri... Jangan judge orang sesuka hati anda... dan jangan cakap ikut sedap mulut je...

Apapun, untuk masing-masing, bahagian masing-masing. Wallahu'alam.

Rasa Nak Meletoppp!!!

Huarghhhh..... overly excited over certain things sampai dada rasa macam nak meletop!!!

Apa la yang diexcitedkan sangat tu??

Satu, tentang share Bank Rakyat. Ramai yang sudah.. Aku gak yang belum gi lagi nih. HUhu... Bilo?? bilo??? Macam2 pertimbangan eh pulak. HAduiyaiii...

Yang nombor dua, yang lebih memecahkan dada.. Huhu... eh.. macam malu plak nak cakap..

Erm.. apesal aku rasa macam aku preknen ek?? Waaahhh... gitu.. Hehe.

Baru perasaan (more likely perasan) preknen. Tak test pun lagi, sebab takmo keciwa. HAhaha. Period due next week. Apesal ntah aku beriya sangat rasa aku preknen bulan ni? Rasa macam nak je beli test kit lunch japgi.. untuk merungkaikan persoalan ini. Tapiii... huhu.. Elok gak kan? Kalau betul takde, senang la aku meneruskan dengan cara pemakanan sedia ada, pakai PB, pergi gym seperti sekarang. Kalau ada, kena la aku buat readjustments.. kan? Tapi tak awal sangat ke??

Masa Sarah dulu, aku ingat ada muntah2, tapi tak selalu. Nak kata rasa penat ke masa sblm test jadi positive pun aku tak ingat. Yang aku ingat, bila test, line kedua tu macam tak nampak sangat... pudar je kaler biru dia. Sekarang ni, ada la rasa cam nak muntah kekadang.. Tapi.. adakah hanya gurauan minda?? Huaaa.. Tolong la saye...

Test ke tak?? test?? tak?? test?? tak?? huhu...

Persiapan

Alhamdulillah.. hari ni dapat berehat2 sambil memblog.. di rumah mama!! Yeay!

Yep.. I'm on leave today. For the second week now, i've been taking day-off on fridays. Hehe. And both fridays, the sec gen had call for meetings, which i obviously couldn't attend (thank God!!). Bukan apa, meeting dengan sec gen biasanya berjam2, with him always rambling and babling about the same old things. Jadi, bila itu berlaku, bateri BB akan habis cepat sebab i'll be busy browsing my FB or the web... atau pun BBM dengan rakan2 yang juga boring macam aku.. kan ke lebih baik, aku di ofis menyiapkan kerja-kerja yang ada di meja???

Anyways, kerja or not. Cuti tetap kena cuti. I cuti harini sebab esok kenduri kawen adik i nan seorang itew. I bukan taknak jemput uols kawan-kawan utk datang. Tapi mak i kata, kita buat kecik-kecik je.. takyah la jemput ramai2.. lagipun bukan cuti sekolah... sian orang nak datang jauh2...senin dah nak keje.. Cenggitula lebih kurang. :)

Tapi setakat ni, belum buat pun aktiviti persiapan. Bukan nak buat apo pun... rebus telur je sikit, nak letak kat bunga pahar tu. Yang lain tak ado.. oh..mungkin i nak pakai inai kejap lagi.. Eh-eh.. akak pulak yang pakai inai kan.. Memang overr mak! Takpela.. inai kan elok untuk kuku. :) (ada je la alasan haku..) Ni tengah tunggu akak2 mama i.. untuk mencukupkan korum. :)

Alahai.. anak i dah bising lapor lak.. I gi bagi dia makan dolu la.. Daa!!...